


Going for the Head

by InevitableBladders (TheTimelessChild0)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Desperation, Embarrassment, Urination, bladdershy steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-30 06:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21423700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/InevitableBladders
Summary: Steve's little "problem" enters the Endgame.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Going for the Head

**Author's Note:**

> FYI: the "head" is a naval/air force term for the bathroom.

The first thing Stella noticed upon settling into her seat in the Benatar, was a disturbance in the force. At first, she didn’t give it too much attention. With her being the only Jedi, and surrounded by humans that had not yet mastered the art of mental calm, it was to be expected that the Force would be shaken by the sheer mass of emotions; fear, excitement or, apparently sickness.

“None of you throw up on my ship” Rocket Raccoon requested strictly, hinting at the most earthbound of the Avengers.

Right after this question, a few strange things happened in rapid succession. Firstly, she noticed Steve nodded with more hesitation than the rest. Unsurprising, as he was definitely homely enough to be worried about space travel. Surprising, considering the super-serum should stabilise any side-effects of g-force. Secondly, the disturbance in the Force felt stronger. It indicated distress. The Grand Master looked around the ship. 

The only person who seemed the slightest bit nervous, at least visibly, was Steve. 

Stella prodded his thoughts gently. 

_ If anything’s coming out, it won’t be that end… _Steve thought grimly. He cursed himself for buckling himself in so tight. 

“Everything alright, Captain?” Stella asked quietly. 

“Sure,” was the unconvincing answer. 

Immediately following this, Rogers carefully and _ subtly _, moved his legs closer together, tapping his fingers on both thighs. 

The Grand Master stifled a chuckle, taking out her communicator. She messaged Steve: 

_Why didn’t you go before we left?_

Steve’s heart skipped a beat. How did she know? 

A mild blush appeared on his cheeks. Stella felt a pang of sympathy. He was stuck in his seat, mid-take-off, after all. She took out her Kyber crystal, and sent calming waves through the force, to him. 

Steve switched to mild wriggling as he felt a sudden sensation of calm. He raised his eyebrows in surprise; it was clearly the work of the Jedi next to him. He texted back a defence:

_Ask Carol. She’s the one who rushed us all out of here._

Grand Master Skywalker- _So you suddenly went mute? _

Steve didn’t reply. The explanation was clear enough, so Stella accepted the origin of the problem as a foregone conclusion. She used the force to tap Rocket on the head. He turned around. 

“What if, for instance, in the case of Thor, it comes out the other way?” Stella hypothesized. It wasn’t just for entertainment’s sake; the expected answer would be the location of the bathroom. Even a small raccoon would need the loo eventually. 

Predictably, the Build-a-Bear scoffed, and indicated the bathroom in the back of the ship. Typical location, considering its size. 

************

Eventually, after Steve had begun to fold his hands together in his lap, tightly, the ship slowed down and went into autopilot. Immediately, the captain unbuckled, stood up and walked quickly towards a piece of machinery, leaning on it with crossed legs. He pretended to study the technology, while actually observing the bathroom and the location of his co-heroes. 

For some reason, they all gathered in the open space in front of Cap, conversing with each other about the mission, or what they did before Carol showed up the night before. The Grand Master sighed. This was the end of her patience in regards to Steve’s shyness. 

“Okay, this is ridiculous, you’re working with 10 people, did you seriously expect complete bathroom privacy EVERYWHERE?” she remarked. 

“ What else is a superhuman bladder for?” Steve argued. The Jedi retaliated by playing watery noises through her comlink tablet. 

Naturally, the noise made Steve grab himself, lift his leg, squeezing it tightly against his antsy muscles, using his other hand to knock the device out of Skywalker’s hand. She grabbed it mid-air and put it back in her pocket, with no other reaction besides an unimpressed snort. 

While the Super-Soldier quickly added a hand to hide his clenching, Carol noticed in time to realize his situation. She gave a side-smirk of amusement. 

The Jedi strode over to Miss Danvers, with grace and serenity. 

“There is a rare piece of wisdom in my family, imparted onto my great-grandfather by his master Obi-Wan long ago. _ If one wishes to harness nature, one must first learn to obey it. Irreverence will only lead to discontention, _“ the Grand-Master retold. 

“And silence is not always a virtue,” Carol added. 

“I see we understand each other “ Stella commented dryly, walking over to the bathroom, to ensure no one besides Thor, went to the loo before Steve. 

“Sorry, Cap” Carol called across the room. Rogers lifted his head, looking at the other captain with one eye, avoiding eye contact with everyone else. 

“For what?” he asked, despite knowing exactly what she was talking about. 

“Ask your leg,” she elaborated, tilting her head, indicating the leg stuck to his other leg with invisible glue. 

Tony turned around to look at Mr Stars and Stripes. 

“Or the hand holding on your Liberty Bells” Tony piped up.

Blushing, Cap separated his legs and bounced up and down. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m just doing calisthenics,” he lied.

Thor exited the bathroom, instantly confused by why Steve was running from nothing.

“Are your shoes uncomfortable, Steven?” he asked the young old man, knowingly. 

At this, Dr Banner decided to step in. 

“No, he’s just endangering his urinary functions, which stops now,” Bruce stated, walking determinedly over to Cap, grabbing his shoulders, and gently shoving him towards the bathroom. 

“Just ignore them, look at the ground. When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go,” the doctor encouraged. Understanding the orders perfectly, Captain America sprinted to the toilet door, closing it in seconds. 

Roughly 2 minutes of urination and relieved sighs followed. Steve exited as if nothing had happened. “As you were gentlemen” he saluted his colleagues walking back to his seat, grabbing a book on the way. 

Once the awkward silence, and chuckles had silenced, Bruce walked off to consult with his patient.

“Want to talk about what just happened?” he invited. 

“Not really,” Steve muttered hesitantly.

“We’re about to kill the guy who wiped out half the universe. I don’t think going into battle with a UTI is a good idea,” Dr Banner pointed out, putting a hand on Cap’s lap. 

“Well, I don’t know what can be done. It’s been this way for a while now,” he explained. 

“Before or after your looong nap?” the doctor queried. 

“It began before, but then the army took it away with the early morning drills and hour-long raids of Hydra bases,” Steve retold. “Modern-day made it worse. Whole new environment, no reasoning I could use with myself for publicizing my needs like before. There’s always a sense that someone will _ care _,” 

“Would it help if we set a schedule? A sequence of times, when the use of the bathroom is reserved for you, so no one stands too close for your comfort,” Bruce suggested. 

“So, you mean like, the bathroom wouldn’t have any people around it, who would see where I’m going?” Cap asked, getting interested. 

“Well, they might know, since I’ll tell them, but that way they know not to make a big deal out of it, give you space,” Dr Banner advertised. 

“That would be really helpful,” he agreed. 

Dr Banner set an alarm on his watch for right before arrival, for Steve to go again, just in case, then both men walked back to explain to the rest of the gang. 

“**It’s been this way since I can remember. As a kid, it’s pretty normal, y’ know. Then the army came and took it away. Hard to be shy about that, when 90% of the time your bathroom breaks are in front of 10-20 other men, all of which were bigger than me. Then there was the camaraderie with the Howling Commandoes. There was never any embarrassment about when someone needed to pee. Of course, working for SHIELD was a totally different thing. It’s much more abstract. You don’t see the other guys going to the bathroom, you don’t know when they do. So, I got all self-conscious about it again. It always feels like someone will notice, like peeing is this thing you almost never do. Even though that’s totally irrational. I just can’t stand others knowing. **

The gang gave Cap a sequence of sympathetic looks. 

“You don’t need to hide that from us, Cap. We all do it. We’re in this together. Whatever makes you comfortable, we’ll help, right guys?” Carol reassured him, consulting the room. 

“Of course. It doesn’t matter how often you need to go. Nobody cares. Everyone in the universe knows what’s up,” Thor confirmed.

“I can attest to that. This is a no judgement zone. The bathroom’s free to use, always. No exceptions. Well, except the obvious one,” Rocket chuckled. 

“Banner! Ditch the alarm. I’ll pee when I have to. Even if I’ll have to do it next to the Titan himself,” Steve decided. 

“Though, I’m really glad I went before, now that Thor’s blocking the door,” he grabbed his book and started reading, leaning on the doorway between the two sections of the ship. 

Thor spread out his arms and stepped aside, providing lots of space for Cap to enter the bathroom at any time. Steve Rogers gave a thumbs-up of gratitude and began humming a triumphant bugle song. 

The End.


End file.
